I am lying and calculating? You better take a look in the mirror bitch! You are a piece of work. But you knew that already, huh?
The name is derived from the fact that there are really only two humans living in this house, we’ll call them #1. Raul and #2. Jamal. The leftovers are therefore designated as #3;which could also be appropriately designated as some type of bodily excrement beyond #1 or #2.
You may be asking yourself, “Is this roommate really so bad that you can’t even have the decency to give him a proper alias i.e. Jim-Bob?” The answer, oh faithful roommate haters, is simply ‘yes’.
To enumerate upon the vast amount of qualifications that make #3 the foul-beast he is would require a medium much more severe than a blog, so I will keep the list to my personal three pet peeves.
- Toilet paper: He accidentally the whole thing, this is bad!
By this I mean to say that somehow, like Santa Claus, if you were to put a brand new DOUBLE SIZE roll of Charmin Ultra Strong (red bear) TP on the rung at night, it would be half-gone in the morning. If my arithmetic, and charmin’s site which states that Red-bear users use 4-times less TP (http://www.charmin.com/en_US/index.php) is correct, #3 is effectively using (.5rolls_used) x (2xregular_roll_size) x (4x absorbency_multiplier) = 4 ROLLS OF TP PER SITTING. Justy and I have speculated on theories as to how this might be humanly possible, seeing as this would surely clog any residential-john. The leading hypothesis currently is that he lines the whole floor with TP, paints a shit-mural, and then rolls in it. Alternatively, he may have a second ass-hole.
- Today’s special is: Fish stink a’ la mode with a trailer park remoulade.
The smell: Not only does #3 wear the most god-awful smelling cologne, use the most internet-weaboo-trailertrash body wash with “pheromones” for getting girls, and smoke upwards of a pack a day (after cancer at the age of 21), BUT his favorite meal just so happens to be Ramen with canned tuna and eel sauce mixed in. On rare occasions, the high-pressure fronts of these stenches all combine in some sort of super-cell to create the perfect Stench-Storm, equally as devastating to one’s olfactory senses as an earthquake to an impoverished country.
- Some people carry their booze… some people are #3.
Up until this point, some of you rock’n’rollers may be championing #3, saying: “Man, this guy just doesn’t give a FUCK, what a ballsy dude, eatin’ what he wants, shittin’ everywhere, I bet this guy would be awesome to party with!” That is why, for me, this 3rd thing is the deal-breaker.
Sad as it is to watch this pathetic kid stay inside 6 days a week/weekend and play RPG video games (because he’s too socially awkward to make friends who want to hang out more than once), I cannot condone it, because along with these lonesome nights comes the drinking, as well as the majority of the Legend that is #3(great stories to come). Just picture a sweaty man-child with the build of a shaved-bird and thick glasses pounding beers by his lonesome until he no longer knows which nest is his. In his disoriented state, #3 has wandered into both mine and Jamal’s rooms in search of the bathroom. In my close encounter of the 3rd kind #3 promptly attempted to drop trou with the intention of urinating on my printer. Jamal’s experience involved #3 entering the room and rummaging through Jamal’s dirty clothes. When questioned as to WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? #3 coolly replied “I’m looking for some sort of a drying device in here.”
As much as I look forward to moving away from what has become a constant source of discomfort, I feel that I would be doing the world a great injustice by withholding this epic tale: The Legend of # 3
Share and Enjoy
No related posts.
OMG my roommate was the same way I swear his ass swallowed a roll of toilet paper a day.