Tag Archives: Girls

A Lesbian Roommate Story

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11

This one’s an oldie but a goodie. It’s absolutely nauseating. An open letter to a former roommate. Here goes:

Hey asshole,

I guess what I’d really like to know is if you’re proud of yourself now. It’s true, I was in denial about how bizarrely fixated you really were with me in high school. Following me to college was the next logical step wasn’t it?

I told you that all I could be was a friend to you. I ignored the red flags because I was silly enough to believe that you would grow the hell up and act like an adult if we were roommates. Yeah, that’s right…ROOMMATES. Okay? We were not lovers. And we weren’t “shacking up” or “playing house” or whatever you think it was.

See, here’s the problem, bitch. I’m straight. I was straight then and I’m straight now. I didn’t want to “give it a chance” or discover the joys of lesbianism with you. Rubbing up against me or slobbering on me wasn’t going to change my mind either. Your breath was really revolting by the way. Got it? And no, I’m not a bigot. I’m just NOT GAY. I don’t think you wanted a real relationship with anyone in any case. A sex doll would work better for you. It has no opinions, never says no and doesn’t care one way or the other about what you do to it.

Your friends were…interesting to say the least. Did you have any that were normal? Any that weren’t immature, emotionally violent or furries in training?

Also, I wasn’t crazy about the clogged toilet. Flushing your tampons down the toilet and clogging up the pipes repeatedly should have clued you in. Why couldn’t you just put them in a trash bag and take them down to the dumpster? And no, I wasn’t interested in picking up your bits of pubic hair lying in the shower drain either.

Here’s the bottom line: agreeing to be your roommate was probably one of the worst choices I ever made, with disastrous long reaching consequences. And I sincerely hope I never see you or hear from you ever again.

GTFO

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Every time a new record is delivered to our front door, yet you say you don’t have enough to pay your share of rent, I hate you more.

Every time I see a status update that you are at another show, or a nice restaurant, despite not having paid any utilities in the 9 months you’ve lived here, I hate you more.

Every time I have to cash in my savings bonds to cover your share of the bills, I hate you more.

Every time you greet my boyfriend and I with that clever “fuck you” line, I want to kick you in the balls.

I hate the fact that you leave the lights on when you’re not even home, running up the electricity bill that comes out of my bank account.

I hate that you ask me for rides to work on a regular basis because your car is a POS.

I hate the way your entire side of the house smells rancid because you can’t practice proper hygiene. And put some clothes on, no one needs to see that.

I hate your tired, sad excuses and knowing that you’ll never pay us back the thousands of dollars you owe. GTFO and DIAF already.

GOD HELP ME :(

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I was once a very content girl who owned a house with her boyfriend of two years. Yes, we got behind on a few bills, but we ate canned food and made due. It just so happened that your boyfriend broke up with you, you didnt want to move back home after college, and you were a friend of mine who had ignored me since you got the boyfriend who just dumped you, but why not let you move in, help with bills, and rekindle our friendship? How bad can it be? HAHA! I dont know if you realize this, but we have payed a 650 dollar deposit, a 400 pet deposit for our two potty trained dogs, and furnished everything in this house from the washer and dryer you use to the bed you sleep in and dresser you fill your clothes with. We have put thousands of dollars into this house, so your third of rent here DOES NOT even give you the right to disrespect us like you do.

You leave lights on, you run a load of laundry for one shirt, the only thing you (or should I say your dads credit card) has bought for this house is a bottle of dishsoap and one role of toilet paper in the past four months. Everything else you think youre entitled to…which would be fine…were sharing people. IF you did not act like a spoiled selfish brat. You have never swept or mopped our floor, you have washed one load of dishes, but you say thats ok because you put them away when theyre dry. You have had your parents over to stay the night here 4 times and we dont even have a spare bedroom since youre LIVING in it! You have never taken out the trash and youve been asked to when you overflow it. We try so hard to be courteous to you and make you comfortable and you are so unappreciative. SO you bought an 8 week old puppy who has been shitting and pissing on our floor for the past week. The last I check you did not pay the pet deposit that we will probably not get back. As I speak you are napping in the bed we bought with your MOM who is here for three days while I am babysitting a little boy AND your untrained puppy while your ass is HERE. GOOD GOD. Youve been apartment searching and now youve found one THANK GOD but have asked for half of this months rent back. You never say please, thanks, or excuse me. Im so sorry that you will have to learn responsibility the hard the way, but most of all I feel sorry for your puppy when your childish ass is out of here.

TAKE A SHOWER. DO SOME LAUNDRY. VACUUM THE FLOOR.

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1

My roommates bedroom is disgusting. They have dirty dishes, old food, opened canned food, garbage, dirty diapers, old moldy baby bottles, and puke rags everywhere. Not to mention the dirty clothes piled up. I saw a pair of her underwear with a dirty pad stuck to it the other day. These people are ridiculous. They don’t vacuum, EVER. They don’t put the dishes in the sink, they don’t do laundry, and they don’t THROW AWAY GARBAGE AT ALL.

I really wouldn’t care if it weren’t for the smell. To get to me bedroom, I have to walk past theirs. It smells rotten. I don’t know how they can live in it. The dirty laundry alone smells like death.

It’s starting to get bad though. There’s a decent sized pile of dirty clothes OUTSIDE their bedroom door. Across the hall from their bedroom door is their bathroom. Garbage piled two feet high off the counter and on the floor behind the toilet. Dirty pads and tampons just sitting in a clear garbage bag on the floor. The smell is worse than the bedroom.

To make things 10 times worse.. Their baby is only three months old. They have HIM living like that and it isn’t acceptable. I mean, I have him most of the time just because they’re lazy, and pathetic… but really. I’m the only person who cleans the kitchen.. and the only room that actually smells GOOD in this house is mine. Thank god my bathroom is attached only to my bedroom. I don’t like to be in any other room of the house but my own.

I can’t take this much longer.

On the crazy scale of 1-10 I hate my roommate with a 46!

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Do you know what’s better than being woken up by an R&B song from 2001 at 6:45? I do. Being woken up by an R&B song from 2001 at 6:45 plus the overhead being turned on and my roommate wearing her squeaky shower shoes while she dances and sings.

My roommate thinks she is Muslim. She was born and raised a Christian. But nowadays she has decided that she must be covered at all times because she is now Muslim.

My roommate is a crazy stalker. She stalks her old boyfriend (broken up for five months now) and even though he has threatened that he will get his parents involved. She saw him the other day and nearly died. He is ugly and has little potential.

My roommate clips her toenails. On my carpet.

My roommate only listens to R&B from the late 90′s and early millennium. There is nothing worse than TLC and Whitney Houston.

My roommate eats Cheez-its like it’s her job. The white cheddar ones that stink like her foot warts.

She sexts boys she has never met.

My roommate is a pathological liar. She always takes my favorite scarf and then says that she doesn’t even like it.

My favorite quality about my roommate is that she is built like a kiwi bird. Look them up.

Couldn’t Be Bothered

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To begin, this is my third roommate. I don’t know what it is, but I have had very different sorts of roommates (and by that I mean they were all entitled bitches from the suburbs but have slightly different opinions about what constitutes a mess and how to be a tolerable person to live with). My current roommate, lets call her Ella, is no better than the last two but she has some very special qualities that make her perhaps more annoying.

Firstly, whenever she has her boyfriend over she feels the need to make a huge mess and never clean it up nor put the 283928 beer bottles she has accumulated over the evening in the friggin recycling she insisted on, she never does dishes and feels that unless the dishes are 99% hers she shouldn’t have to (and yet when they are I still somehow end up doing them), she waits until the last minute to get me her rent check and yet when she needs money for the cable I must pay it to her immediately with no notice, she clearly doesn’t like my boyfriend and feels the need to be incredibly awkward and borderline rude to him every time he is over, she takes up all of the storage and never has offered to move anything to make room for my things including storing some strange sort of work-out pod in the hall closet leaving no room for winter coats, she leaves a trail of crumbs, batter, pasta, and whatever else wherever she goes, and she feels the need to leave ME passive aggressive notes about having the heat on IN THE FRIGGIN WINTER.

Tonight she “confronted” me about leaving the heat on downstairs (that barely works) and I told her about my grievances to which she looked at me like I had accused her of killing puppies and proceeded to say that me cleaning was a “recent thing” by that she must have meant that I didn’t clean the two weeks I didn’t live here yet. UGH!!! I wish her boyfriend would get his ass in gear so she can move out already and he can deal with her insanity. I HATE ROOMMATES!!!

The Princess and the Pea

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My Roommate is very sensitive to sound and light apparently, because she can only sleep when I’m asleep. She essentially is try to get my agree to not be awake in the room past midnight (this is in college btw). I realize being a light sleeper sucks, but she really has no right to kick me out of the room. She has to realize being up at midnight, or even later is normal in college. If I were playing loud music or talking on the phone I would get it, but having 1 dim light on and turning the pages in textbooks is a bit extreme sensitivity.

She wants me to cater to her sleeping habits, but she won’t cater to mine. The only nights that I stay up past 1 are when I have a major test or paper. I feel that is reasonable, I shouldn’t be exiled out of my room is that situation.

Singing, Scarfing and Smelling

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So my roommate this year is one of my good friends. I should say was, it has been 3 months of living together and I am confident that extreme amount of annoying behavior has put me over the edge. I am on the verge of murder. Problems that have added up to equal my hate?

1. Singing and music. I, like any normal person like music. I enjoy almost anythings. I have even come to like some songs from Glee which are her favorite. However, last week for example, I had to listen to the Glee version of singing in the rain 6 times in a row, over and over she would play this song it drove me crazy. Then started the singing…She is not bad but is it really necessary to sing as much as she does. I here her sh*t music all day everyday, it never stops. I ask her to use headphones but she does not and when me and my other roommates make fun of her for her horrible taste she literally cries.

2. She eats everything she can get her grubby hands on. Literally. We can’t grocery shop as a room cause the chips or cookies or salsa we all go in on are gone within a week if that. She ate entire bow of oreos in one day. ONE DAY! and my soy milk is constantly being depleted. just go buy your own damn milk.

3. Hygiene. Not only does this bitch hardly ever shower but has no started to use my things. She has broken half the bristles on my brush running it through her nasty, knotted hair. Also, cleans her pussing ingrown toenail with my stuff!!!! like my neosporin gets her gross all over it.

4. Crying. Everything I say or do that is a joke results in a bitchy tone or a tear fest. Normal jokes between people can’t happen with this thing.

5. Walking around in your underwear. Yes me and my room mates have no problem with that. In fact its fine be me however she is about 200 pounds of woman and nobody wants to see that in a pair of granny panties sprinting around the room. Please, thats just gross.

6. Bedtime at nine o clock, I’m in college. Nuff said.

I’m Scared of Her

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When I first met my roommate, I liked her, but this is usually the case at first until their true and horrible inner personality comes out. I first discovered this by realizing how loud and utterly disrespectful this girl is when she comes in late at night–well actually any time of day by annoyingly announcing her presence to me and my other roommate by screaming at the top of her lungs. When she comes in after a late and long night of bar hopping, she is always laughing loudly and stumbling around with her boyfriend as they enter her room. I happen to be lucky being far enough away to have this sound muffled slightly, but my other roommate must suffer constantly by hearing this girl’s bed banging against the wall while she is having sex with her boyfriend. And then you can hear both of them staying up till 3 am talking loudly and often arguing because she is always angry about something. Even when you tell her she is being too loud and ask her to quiet down she inconsiderately continues with the same noisy behaviors night after night.

She is one of those people who thinks that the world should always revolve around her, so when she doesn’t get her way, she literally throws temper tantrums around the apartment. One day she had asked my other roommate to go to lunch with her and when my roommate said no since she was busy with paper writing, this girl starts yelling and then slamming doors throughout the day. In fact, the slamming of doors seems to be happening now on a daily basis because her anger and moodiness continues to grow. I’ve seen her drunkenly yelling at her friends on the phone or her boyfriend in person while slamming doors in his face with all this behavior right in front of us. This kind of behavior is absolutely disrespectful when I’m trying to study or getting anything accomplished.

I’m also the one constantly doing the dishes. I have no big problem with this since I’m usually using more than her, but one day I had forgotten to do them before leaving for home. I admit to occasionally being forgetful, I believe maybe twice in the past three months. But this time when it happened it might have had to do with the fact that I was sick with a fever, sore throat, nausea, and vomiting, possibly coming down with the flu and had to leave early in the morning for a bus home for the holidays. My other roommate pointed out that I forgot and I felt horrible for letting her down realizing my forgetfulness this time. After texting her a deep apology, I get another text from my crazy bitch of a roommate saying, “You are such a ridiculously inconsiderate child.” What?!!! This had nothing to do with her in the first place. It was a situation between me and my other roommate. And for her to butt in and say that I am an inconsiderate child is utterly ridiculous on HER part, when I know for a fact that she is the very one who always fits this description with her immature temper tantrums, daily whining complaints about why her life sucks, verbal fights with people, and slamming of doors.
I feel very hurt by those words she used and most of all I am terrified of her at this point. I have never in my life had to live with such crazy person. Oh yeah, and I recently found out from her boyfriend that her previous roommates from last year once had to call the cops on her. Help, I’m scared!

Disgusting Roomie

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My roomie of around a year was intolerable. Due to student housing we had to share a large room, and a bathroom. This girl used the same towels the entire YEAR without washing them, used a sleeping bag on top of her mattress which went unwashed the entire year. The only things she washed were her body and her clothes, which didn’t help with the overwhelming scent in the room.

She ate 99 cent TV dinners which made the entire apartment smell like horrid, overcooked slop, and never cleaned a bit until we got her off her Xbox and screamed at her to clean. But the worst by far was about a week before she moved out. She had stashed every single dirty tampon and pad from the last three months underneath the sink in our bathroom….behind an EMPTY trash can! The blood stuck to the cabinets and stunk like something had died in our bathroom! No wonder I had been taking too many showers recently, I thought it was ME who was stinking up the bathroom. No, it was my filthy, disgusting roomie.

Amanda, I hope you rot in hell for making me go through a year of your uncleanliness.