Tag Archives: College

A Lesbian Roommate Story

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This one’s an oldie but a goodie. It’s absolutely nauseating. An open letter to a former roommate. Here goes:

Hey asshole,

I guess what I’d really like to know is if you’re proud of yourself now. It’s true, I was in denial about how bizarrely fixated you really were with me in high school. Following me to college was the next logical step wasn’t it?

I told you that all I could be was a friend to you. I ignored the red flags because I was silly enough to believe that you would grow the hell up and act like an adult if we were roommates. Yeah, that’s right…ROOMMATES. Okay? We were not lovers. And we weren’t “shacking up” or “playing house” or whatever you think it was.

See, here’s the problem, bitch. I’m straight. I was straight then and I’m straight now. I didn’t want to “give it a chance” or discover the joys of lesbianism with you. Rubbing up against me or slobbering on me wasn’t going to change my mind either. Your breath was really revolting by the way. Got it? And no, I’m not a bigot. I’m just NOT GAY. I don’t think you wanted a real relationship with anyone in any case. A sex doll would work better for you. It has no opinions, never says no and doesn’t care one way or the other about what you do to it.

Your friends were…interesting to say the least. Did you have any that were normal? Any that weren’t immature, emotionally violent or furries in training?

Also, I wasn’t crazy about the clogged toilet. Flushing your tampons down the toilet and clogging up the pipes repeatedly should have clued you in. Why couldn’t you just put them in a trash bag and take them down to the dumpster? And no, I wasn’t interested in picking up your bits of pubic hair lying in the shower drain either.

Here’s the bottom line: agreeing to be your roommate was probably one of the worst choices I ever made, with disastrous long reaching consequences. And I sincerely hope I never see you or hear from you ever again.

3 Annoying Chinese Roommates

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I attend Eastern New Mexico University in Portales, NM. It is a rather small school located in a VERY rural area and it has around 5,000 students. I live in one of the university apartment complexes. Last fall I didn’t have any roommates. I don’t really understand that because I live in a 4 bedroom apartment.

In January, a Chinese guy moved into my apartment. There are several hundred people from China that go to school here. I don’t understand why they come to rural New Mexico but they do. This guy said he had been removed from his previous apartment building and had to move into my apartment. He told me he had been caught drinking and smoking several times. At first I didn’t mind him, but after a while he got to be really annoying. He brought in a lot of groceries. He filled up 4 cabinets full of food. He started leaving disgusting messes in the kitchen. The most annoying thing was that he would turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees at night. Luckily he left the thermostat alone after I spoke to him about it.

I thought things were getting better. Two more Chinese guys moved in a few weeks later. These guys had been removed from their old apartment for violations as well. Luckily the two new guys do not cook in the apartment. Their girlfriends do all the cooking for them. Unfortunately the battle for control of the thermostat started again. I do understand that it does get cool at night in New Mexico, but these guys would leave the thermostat set on 75, 80, and 90 degrees. The highest it goes is 90.

Another annoying thing that they do is frequently leave the front door ajar. I left a note for them and asked them to shut the door all the way but I don’t know if they understood it. I think these guys failed the TOEFL exam.

One of the guys lets his girlfriend live with him, which is against university policy. One night I heard some banging noises and yelling. Then I heard some crying coming from one of the rooms. I thought he might be beating his girlfriend so I called the Resident Assistant and he sent over the Housing Director. The Housing Director had to unlock the guy’s door and separate them. Then he called the police. The policeman talked to him for about and hour and told him that false imprisonment is a crime. Apparently his girlfriend didn’t press charges and nothing ever happened to that guy. The Housing Director said there would be university punishment but he still lives here.

The things that they cook are so nasty. They frequently leave meat out on the kitchen counter for several hours. One time it was squid. One time it was beef tongue. Another time it was a rack of lamb. Every time this guy cooks it stinks up the apartment. I bought air fresheners to try to combat the smell but they don’t really do much.

The roommate who lives on my side of the apartment is the worst one. He came home drunk one night at about 3:00 am. He was singing so loudly I could hear it through my door. He got up several times to use the bathroom. When I woke up in the morning I found urine in my waste basket… I was so upset when that happened. This guy never turns on the vent fan when he takes dumps. He has the nastiest smelling dumps… I have to turn on the vent fan after he gets out of the bathroom and open the windows.

Another annoying habit that they have is leaving lights on. They never turn lights off in the apartment. I guess they just don’t care about wasting energy. They also never take out the garbage. I always take it out. They don’t even offer to buy trash bags. I supply all of the trash bags. I also supply all of the toilet paper for the bathroom on my side of the apartment. They never clean up the messes that they make.

Frequently they have their Chinese friends come over. I don’t know what all they do, but I thought I smelled marijuana coming from one room one night.

I don’t know if any of you are having the same problem. I guess these particular Chinese people come from Sichuan Province. They seem to have a lot of money. They have their own cars and have some really nice things. I really hope I don’t get any Chinese roommates next year…

Why?!

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1. I was going to bed after studying till one in the morning and then suddenly a light comes on and I would of understood if he was studying but he got on facebook till three and I was late for class.
2. Offered to let the high school students tour his dorm room while I was still asleep in my bed.
3. He sleeps all day and snores 24/7.
4. He still watches power ranger for F*cks sake you are 19.
5. Takes control of the tv then sleeps on the remote.

The Princess and the Pea

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My Roommate is very sensitive to sound and light apparently, because she can only sleep when I’m asleep. She essentially is try to get my agree to not be awake in the room past midnight (this is in college btw). I realize being a light sleeper sucks, but she really has no right to kick me out of the room. She has to realize being up at midnight, or even later is normal in college. If I were playing loud music or talking on the phone I would get it, but having 1 dim light on and turning the pages in textbooks is a bit extreme sensitivity.

She wants me to cater to her sleeping habits, but she won’t cater to mine. The only nights that I stay up past 1 are when I have a major test or paper. I feel that is reasonable, I shouldn’t be exiled out of my room is that situation.

Laptop

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Dear Roommate,

Although at the time of your drunk state you might have thought it would be hilarious to open my brand new macbook-pro and pour water on it, I who now have to pay $800 to have it repaired don’t think it was as funny. You may be denying that you did it, and I may not be able to prove you did it because I wasn’t there, but you best believe that as soon as I am 100% sure you did it, shit is going down. If I were you I would sleep with one eye open, and I suggest you also insure your very own laptop. We wouldn’t want anyone to drop it from the 5th floor of our dorm while they’re drunk.

PS: The next time that you pull some shit like that when your drunk again, you best believe I will get every shade of freaky in the mother-fucking rainbow all up in your shit.

Singing, Scarfing and Smelling

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So my roommate this year is one of my good friends. I should say was, it has been 3 months of living together and I am confident that extreme amount of annoying behavior has put me over the edge. I am on the verge of murder. Problems that have added up to equal my hate?

1. Singing and music. I, like any normal person like music. I enjoy almost anythings. I have even come to like some songs from Glee which are her favorite. However, last week for example, I had to listen to the Glee version of singing in the rain 6 times in a row, over and over she would play this song it drove me crazy. Then started the singing…She is not bad but is it really necessary to sing as much as she does. I here her sh*t music all day everyday, it never stops. I ask her to use headphones but she does not and when me and my other roommates make fun of her for her horrible taste she literally cries.

2. She eats everything she can get her grubby hands on. Literally. We can’t grocery shop as a room cause the chips or cookies or salsa we all go in on are gone within a week if that. She ate entire bow of oreos in one day. ONE DAY! and my soy milk is constantly being depleted. just go buy your own damn milk.

3. Hygiene. Not only does this bitch hardly ever shower but has no started to use my things. She has broken half the bristles on my brush running it through her nasty, knotted hair. Also, cleans her pussing ingrown toenail with my stuff!!!! like my neosporin gets her gross all over it.

4. Crying. Everything I say or do that is a joke results in a bitchy tone or a tear fest. Normal jokes between people can’t happen with this thing.

5. Walking around in your underwear. Yes me and my room mates have no problem with that. In fact its fine be me however she is about 200 pounds of woman and nobody wants to see that in a pair of granny panties sprinting around the room. Please, thats just gross.

6. Bedtime at nine o clock, I’m in college. Nuff said.

Disgusting Roomie

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My roomie of around a year was intolerable. Due to student housing we had to share a large room, and a bathroom. This girl used the same towels the entire YEAR without washing them, used a sleeping bag on top of her mattress which went unwashed the entire year. The only things she washed were her body and her clothes, which didn’t help with the overwhelming scent in the room.

She ate 99 cent TV dinners which made the entire apartment smell like horrid, overcooked slop, and never cleaned a bit until we got her off her Xbox and screamed at her to clean. But the worst by far was about a week before she moved out. She had stashed every single dirty tampon and pad from the last three months underneath the sink in our bathroom….behind an EMPTY trash can! The blood stuck to the cabinets and stunk like something had died in our bathroom! No wonder I had been taking too many showers recently, I thought it was ME who was stinking up the bathroom. No, it was my filthy, disgusting roomie.

Amanda, I hope you rot in hell for making me go through a year of your uncleanliness.

Take out your Sh*t!!

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Every week, you get more and more pissed off at everyone else in the suite. It isn’t our fault that your financial aid fell through so now we can stay but you have to go. You shouldn’t have come here if you knew it would only be paid in loans THERE ARE CHEAPER SCHOOLS BITCH!! Also, clean up your sh*t! Even when your best friend and roomie had knee surgery, you didn’t get any of your junk off the floor so that she could walk. Your room smells like a cat died and so do you. Why do you and your opinion get to be the only ones heard around here? We all have opinions, so shove yours up your ass so that others can talk. Don’t get mad at me when I leave my stuff in the common room when you leave old food boxes and empty cans laying around for everyone to have to clean up. One last thing, your boyfriend is a creeper, he never leaves, showers, or stops looking at the rest of us when you two aren’t f*cking each other into the wall. I want to be able to walk across the room after a shower to get to my room with out that grease stain getting a boner and trying to talk to me.

Worst First Experience of College

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Roomate #1
Even though I had only met you for three days I decided to live with you my entire first year of college which was a bad mistake. You don’t care about anybody’s sh*t except your own and have the tendency to only clean your area. I’m not saying you should clean up after me and the other one but at least keep your hairs out of the fridge. Another thing, you don’t let anyone talk, you always interrupt and talk about your own idea or experience. Give someone else a chance! Don’t ever put your laptop on top of mine when your printing your papers out, its just rude. Opening the door or curtains while I’m changing is not cool! If I do it then you get all butthurt so don’t do it to me! I was nice enough to give you rides back and forth because your family doesn’t have the resources but you don’t have take advantage either. Another habit that’s a bit disgusting is how you leave your dirty socks under the bed all the time. I hate touching your socks every time I have to reach for my shoes.

Roomate #2
Where to start?…First of all, clean up your mess its embarrassing for us when we have guests. Nobody wants to see rotting food next to paint brushes and books. The biggest thing that has just pushed me off the edge is your f*cking boyfriend/f*ck buddy. I HATE HIS F*CKING FACE !!! If your going to f*ck don’t do it while the rest of us are sleeping !!!! I hate the fact that he sleeps over practically everyday. We cant change in the room or wear comfortable pjs. You have completely destroyed my comfort and privacy in the room. Why don’t you sleep over his place, after all he only has one roommate not 2 !!!!!! I also hate your friends, you have very interesting ideas and thoughts but you surround yourself with stupid people. When your in a bad mood you don’t have to take it out on us and be a complete asshole about things. you have completely taken advantage of our generosity but if things persist with your f*ck buddy I think I might tell you guys off before the year ends.

That is most of it (unless im forgetting a few things)

A. and the Demon Bitch N.

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Let me tell you a sad story. Once upon a time, there was a girl named A. She was happy at the beginning of this semester because she had no roommate. Her previous awesome roomie S. moved to another dorm. But then the wicked bastards at Office of Residence Life forced A. to move from her awesome room to live with a Demon Cunt named N. from Barbados. N. is a sorry excuse for a human being and everyone hates her. Her own “friends” last year got so fed up with her sh*t that they wished she’d kill herself already. A tried to escape by offering the fucktards at ORL an extra $3000 just to stay in her room, but they refused and told A. to suffer.

So now A. is forced to live with N., who is an inconsiderate twat burger who gets up at 4 am to move sh*t around, knowing A has early classes. N. looks like a deep fried Rhianna who was hit with an A-bomb. She sounds like it too. She snorts and sighs loudly for no reason and f*cks around on her boyfriend. But A. believes the boyfriend is doing the same. A. is sad because her friends cannot visit her anymore because N. has social no life and wants A. not to have one either. Plus A.’s friends hate N. and A’s new room is smaller than her old one. A. cannot watch T.V., nor play her PS3, nor listen to music, nor receive a call without N. passively-aggressively bitching or ruining it all-together. So A. now smokes everyday and stays out till exhaustion to avoid depression because she hates N. so f*cking much. And A. is a senior taking 22 credits, so this is messing with her academically. But she is trapped in this cycle because if she is in the room sober and not sleeping she will kill N. and go to jail.

Now that you know A.’s sad tale, please pray for her. Or at least that N. gets hit by a truck