My roommate recently left an acting program to come live with me. Apparently I was ill informed on what this sort of exalted position entailed. His life, is a non stop, ongoing self-victimizing monologue.
1. When he is working on his math homework, all I have to do is ask him one simple question such as “Hey man are we out of milk?” or “When does the next bus to the shopping center come?” to get him going on a personal tirade against his homework. He merely needs the sound of another person’s voice to trigger his own. He will begin to read his math problems like Mark Antony into a crowd of Plebians, booming his voice with phrases like “Ah yes! If we take the integral of G of X, we’ll be able to find displacement from the position function. Of course! I couldn’t see that before, it makes so much sense now. Yes, yes. Good.” Then he will pause, leave his desk, come into the living room where I am working, and begin stretching on the carpet in front of me in the strangest ways, revealing his white hanes briefs. This sparks a soliloquy about what he believes the nature of Mathematics to be, name dropping philosophers and all, as if he is the epitome of all that is knowledge, and it
is up to him to solve the universe.
2. He is too meek to tell me anything. When dishes begin to pile up in the sink, he will go over, wash two dishes, then leave the rest of the pile. Then, for the next few days, he will add to the pile of dishes, walk by, and sigh at it over and over again. Then occasionally, he will make eye contact with me while he takes a loud slurping sip from a dirty glass, then look at the dishes, then sigh again. When he really sacks up to the challenge, he manages to squeeze out the words “Hey man, if you’re going to be up until 2 A.M. it would be cool if you could do some dishes,” with a SNAP and POINT motion with both of his hands and a cheeky half smile. I say sure thing. Then of course, just to be an asshole (it’s tempting sometimes, with a roommate like this), I will do SOME of the dishes, just like he asked. For weeks this pattern went on, until one day I came home and the word DISHES!!! was written on our fridge. So, I did the dishes, erased what he wrote, and then wrote “
Ever since, whenever he does the dishes, he walks around with a smug sense of entitlement, as if he is the king of the apartment, LOOK AT ME, I’M PRODUCTIVE AND PROACTIVE!! However, he has never once cleaned the bathroom. In his mind, taking care of a large pile of dishes excludes him from doing any real dirty work around the apartment.
3. He never learned to chew with his mouth closed. Breakfast, lunch and dinner its nothing but tongue smacking with the lips forming the shape of an O. This creates a sound not unlike two mating seals, especially with the addition of a long exasperated sigh to cap off each time he swallows or takes a sip of any beverage.
4. He never parties, ever. Whenever I go out with my friends, he manages to slip out phrases like “have fun killing your brain cells,” or “have fun with those degenerates.” He gets scared of me when I come home drunk, even though I don’t say a word to him. He will lock himself in the bedroom or leave and go to his girlfriends dorm. It takes him one beer to start acting shitfaced, and he constantly calls the police on all of our neighbors whenever they are partying past 11. He willfully gives them our address, just to make sure the neighbors know that it is us ratting them out. He thinks he is making some kind of point by doing this.
5. Whenever he finds out one of my interests, regardless of whether or not it is real, he goes to great lengths to make them his own, just so we can have a cute little super special bond in his eyes. The first week we lived here, I was flipping through channels and landed on an old episode of Family Guy. As usual, he laid down on the floor in front of the TV, obstructing my view, and laughed exaggeratedly at every single outlet. Having grown tired of the show over the years, I didn’t chuckle once. “Man, you used to quote this all the time in 7th grade,” he’d say “now I see why you were so fucked up hahahaha.” Yes, in 7th grade… we’re 18 now. So, in order to get in touch with our past, he’s spent the last few months watching EVERY SINGLE EPISODE of the show from beginning to end, just to make sure he can drop obscure references to it in conversation (the same way I did when I was 12), which I respond to with a tiny, fake chuckle, which is all the satisfaction he needs. Whene
ver his girlfriend is over he will drop these references, even if I’m in the other room, raising his voice just so I can hear. She will respond with “what are you talking about?” to which he will respond “Don’t worry about it, Family Guy moment!” then loud enough for me to hear “Right Kevin?” This is just one example. Whenever I mention that any movie, activity, book, store, type of clothing etc. in any sort of positive manor, he will go and immediately watch/buy/read whatever I was talking about(even in passing), and integrate it into his conversational repertoire.
6. For the most part, all of these things would fly by as minor annoyances if it weren’t for his unbridled arrogance. He talks down about all ways of life separate from his own. He assumes that our neighbors, who happen to party frequently, are brainless degenerates incapable of expressing anything than other than anger incited by rap and hard alcohol. I have ADD so when I am working, I like to move from place to place in order to stay focused on an assignment. He still manages to laugh at this constantly, “AHAHA One second you’re at the desk, the next your on the couch!!” So funny! He goes on rants about how uneducated people (such as both of my parents) are ruining the economy and don’t deserve to be in this country. He laughs at everyone else that goes to the city college alone with us, as if they are all retards who couldn’t get into real colleges, as if economic disadvantage didn’t exist. Shit, I could probably let this go too if he just knew how to control the volume of
his voice, especially when criticizing others in public.
he sounds like someone I know. btw, very well written
ironically he sounds exactly like stewie..
Ugh my roommate does the same thing when she eats. I don’t understand how she has gotten this far in life without learning to chew with her mouth closed and not smack her lips like a cow.
OMG dude I just read your story and it truly touched me. I have been living in an apartment with a total douche bag similar to yours only less painful in the ass. The problem with my roommate is that he parties all night and comes home very late and wakes me up. Every day he has a load of dishes and never washes them neither. I can’t wake up to a good day without making a single movement that will trigger this light sleeping beast. He wakes up and tells me dude its eight in the morning can you leave and let me sleep. Like seriously man your snores keep up all night long and I can’t even search for my clothes to take a shower. Not only that but this guy is such a mommy’s boy and gets everything he needs whenever he wants. I mean this guy is 21 and is still a freshman. He was stupid enough not to transfer any credits from Santa Cruz to Northridge and waste money. Get this, he lives 2 streets down from this apartment and still is not able to get his own food, do his laundry, and get a job. He was “So Taken Care Of” that he does not know how to clean anything or do anything for himself. For example he brought his ugly ex-girlfriend over and she had to put away a couple things he bought from the supermarket because he didn’t know where to put them…. Dumbass!
your story reminded me of when i lived at home and my sister used to come in early hours of the morning and i had to get up for work at 5.30 – she used to crash in put the radio on – I cured this be pretending to sleepwalk . if she was banging around downstairs I used to hide in the shadowds upstairs and just walk out when she came upstairs – keep a straight face if they speak to you answer with something calling them mom or a name of a friend – on a really bad night when she came in a 4 in the morning she came into the room ( we shared at home ) put the light on radio etc I sat up very slowly and turned my head really slowly and opened my eyes to stare at her zombi style – funny enough she stopped after that …all true and i have never told her the truth
Dude!!! Exactly like my roommate. Only except the being afraid of drunk people. I also knew mine before college… WHY DID I ROOM WITH THIS GUY?!?! he’s an embarrassment. I’m ditching him next year.
Very, very well-written! What is your college major, if I may ask? You write way beyond your years, and btw, I also hate my roommate.
Learn to do dishes then you dirty scumbag….. Some people are just non confrontational, as in they don’t want to fucking argue over dishes…..
I agree, darn roommates should be glad I write notes on the fridge instead of yelling at them. Especially leaving rotting food scraps in the sink with the dirty dishes for days. Yech! Lazy, dirty bums.
You’re absolutely right. It’s unfair to expect someone to do your half of shared work. I have a bitch for a roommate. And NO… there’s absolutely nothing wrong with not partying… some people just don’t give a fuck about getting drunk because it’s the only way they let off steam. Everything else about this asshole’s roommate sucks, but he’s just as much of a fucker as his roommate. both deserve each other.
Wonderful wording! Ha, my roommate’s constantly got her friends over and they’re so loud. they bang doors so loudly past midnight on college nights! Who DOES THAT?????? I’m a neat person and she makes it a point to mention every time she finds somthing wrong withthe way I’ve kept the kitchen, but when i tell another flatmate that she’s wrong, when she’s a HUGE mess, this girl manages to perfectly stay out of the way. She is a bitch, but she thinks she’s all prissy and perfect. BITCH
Very well written. OMG I feel for you all to have to deal with such idiots.
I hate this guy!!
Love it ! Laughed sooo hard!! my roommates all hate to party and are complete buzzkills. I love you.
GET A LIFE. BITCH. SOME PEOPLE DO BETTER STUFF THAN DRINK AND END UP FUCKERS FOR THE REST OF THEIR FUCKING LIVES. I DON’T KNOW YOU BUT I FUCKING HATE YOU. BITCH
Honey, move out. Live is too short
“Ever since, whenever he does the dishes, he walks around with a smug sense of entitlement, as if he is the king of the apartment, LOOK AT ME, I’M PRODUCTIVE AND PROACTIVE!! However, he has never once cleaned the bathroom. In his mind, taking care of a large pile of dishes excludes him from doing any real dirty work around the apartment.”
This! Oh my God, this! My roommates are so goddamn lazy. I am tired of trying to single-handedly keep the house clean. I think that they must think that the house magically keeps itself sustained.
I can’t help but agree with him. Partying is ridiculously wasteful, and you ARE killing your brain cells. Your neighbors most likely ARE brainless degenerates, and will just get dumber over time. You’re both bad roommates, but I’m thinking you’re probably the worse one.
Agreed. The author seemed like the jerk in this story, not the roommate.
agreed more than ever. this guy is so unfair. they suit each other.
the author is the jerk
Agreed.
A ton of this sounds like my roommate. She is ALWAYS in the room (this is a one-room dorm). She never goes anywhere! And this girl has to have complete silence in order to do any work. She won’t even let me play music while I clean OUR room. She always tells me to turn it down (to the point where you can’t hear it at all any more).
However, when she watches things on her computer, she has the volume all the way up and has the loudest, most obnoxious laugh I’ve ever heard. She also exudes an “unbridled arrogance” about ways of life that aren’t her own and acts superior to all others. She constantly tries to give me ancient Chinese health advice: “You should microwave your milk in the morning before you put it in your cereal because cold foods are bad for your body right when you wake up.” My dad’s a doctor, my mom’s a nurse, my aunt and uncle are both pediatricians, and all my siblings work in the medical field as well. I don’t need her ridiculous advice, especially since she eats entirely unhealthy at every meal.
My favorite part about your post was the disgusting mouth-open chewing; my roommate does this as well (and it’s much louder than any music she’s ever told me to turn down).
One of her worst transgressions was when she invited herself to a Thanksgiving dinner my friend was having. My friend was picking up some stuff from my place, I left to go print out a paper and by the time I came back, my friend was looking very uncomfortable and said, “I guess you can come… if you want.” My friend later told me that my roommate kept saying things like, “Guess I’ll be eating alone at the dining hall tonight while you guys are feasting,” and dropping so many annoying hints that my friend finally caved in. As we all walked toward my friends apartment together, she kept throwing looks my way every time my roommate would talk, silently communicating, “How do you live with this bitch?” The “bitch” found a place to live closer to her classes for next semester. Only two more weeks of her, then the nightmare’s finally over!
Well, it’s been ten days. Hope things have gotten better for you. The best bet with someone like that is have no compassion for them, don’t fall for their guilt trips(“her: guess I’ll be eating alone”. others: “Yes, you certainly will”, and have no concern for them since they don’t for you.
the funny thing is you don’t realise you’re part bitch too
Part bitch? lol Try Main Bitch
look the not saying anything is annoying but it is annoying when is done when not ok if you feel the sink and not clean your an asshole ! and if you know it annoys him and you still do it then your an asshole of curse if its one dish its ok but you need to know the lines
agreed. this writer is a fucked up bastard. his roommate should be writing this, not him.
You sound like an over sensitive pussy
Yeap.
This guy sounds like a cross between one of my current roommates and my ex. I am so sorry for you.
Exacerbated… not exasberated lol, if you’re going to be a dick and rant about shitty roommates learn proper grammar and spelling asshole