Roommate #1: You don’t work and all you have to worry about is school. That’s it. Does it take too much time to practice proper hygeine? I can smell yours and Roommate #2′s stinky rank rooms from down the hallway. Also stop being a condescending fuck to my girlfriend, she might not be as old as you, but she certainly has her shit together more then you do. I’d be upset too if I had to be around you guys as much as she does. So how about before trying to make my girlfriend out to be somehow not as smart as you, let’s just point out the fact that she gets better grades than you, volunteers and exercises more then you, and she’s graduating this year while you still have two (maybe more) years to go, and she’s a good 3 years younger then you. Maybe you should peel your fat ass off the couch and do more with your life before judging others? Oh, and where the fuck is the money you owe me? You said you’d give it to me once you got your student loan, and I have yet to see my money since you got your loan.

Roommate #2: You as well, need to learn how to do laundry and not smell like shit. Somehow you got a girlfriend, but after meeting her I can see how you two are quite the pair. You are the oldest yet the most irresponsible. All you do is whine about your work (which is only part-time, I work full-time you bitch) and never wash dishes or cook for anyone. At least Rommie #1 cooks and sometimes cleans. You act like you are better than everyone else because you are not originally from Canada, but reality is, you are in your mid 30s and still can’t take care of yourself, so yah, you can’t really judge anyone. Stop putting your dishes ontop of the dishwashers, you are supposed to 1) open dishwasher and then 2) put dishes in dish washer.

Roommate #3: aka whiny ass gf of rommie #2. STOP BITCHING ABOUT YOUR MASTERS! If you don’t like it so much, then drop out! I can’t take it anymore, every time you come home all you do is whine. News flash: you are not that exciting to talk to either. All you do is whine and talk about school stuff, and how you are so hard done by, fuck off you are such a boring fuck. Oh and, I’m sorry, but just because you are in University and you bang a lot of people, that doesn’t make you a feminist, it makes you a slut. And also, stop whining about how big your butt is, how about you eat properly and exercise? Because, eating potato chips all day and then saying at dinner time “I’ll only have a little, I’m trying to lose weight”… WTF? Sorry but you get no sympathy from me. I never see you ever cook for anyone, and YOU were the one to come up with the rule “whoever cooks doesn’t have to clean” yet when someone cooks for you, you rarely do the dishes, yet alone offer any help. I’m sorry, but just because you are doing your Masters it doesn’t mean that everyone should cater to you. By the way, you are really ugly and you walk like Mr. Smithers from the Simpsons. I really hope that you and #2 never have children. They will be ugly as shit, and lazy as fuck.

Roommate #4 – Why are you so passive? You are an okay roommate, but even when I point out how Roommate #3 is using you you just ignore it? Do you want people to feel sorry for you? Are you really that stupid that you can’t see that you are a doormat to the other roommates and they treat you like a slave? I hope you snap at the whiny bitch #3 one day because she is using you beyond belief for attention. Can’t you see she is a manipulative cunt who kisses your ass so that you cook dinner for her and kiss her fat ass back?

If it wasn’t for my girlfriend believing all your stupid sob stories and convincing me that we should get a house together, then none of you would have been able to move out. You ungrateful fuck heads. As soon as you get what you want, you just become lazy assholes and never live up to what you say you’ll do. All of you will have shitty lives because you are either stupid or have no work ethic nor proper hygiene. You are all gross assholes and hope you guys continue to fail at life.

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First of all, this is NYC, so the walls are paper thin, I can hear every noise her fat, lardy ass makes. Literally, every step, every breath, every time she rolls around in her bed, every time she opens the doors, every time she walks (it feels like the floor is caving in), every time she closes the door. She accused me of finishing her milk today, and when I pointed out that I had my own milk, she said “No, conversation over”. Who the fuck talks like that? A fucking two year old that’s who. I have to control myself every time she starts, because I don’t want trouble in the home, but it’s becoming increasingly harder to do so. I said to her, what are you the queen? She said, no you told me I am making it up. When did I tell her she was making it up, I simply told her that I have my own milk, and she was mistaken. Everything I say is subject to be argued and picked apart. Literally, every-thing.

Case in point: I did a paid research study for a PHD department to make money. She asked me what I had to do, because she is going to do the same study herself later. I told her I couldn’t tell because participants are to go in with no previous knowledge of what the study is. That turned into an argument of how I am not loyal. Wtf? Then, she asked me what the guy doing the study is studying for his Phd. I said, cognitive behavior. She said, what does that have to do with the study? I said, I don’t know. She started to argue with me about cognitive behavioral studies has nothing to do with a research sutdy. WTF!!! Why are you arguing with me, I just did the fucking study to make money, it’s not my fucking study bitch. Everything is a fucking argument. I am afraid to say anything for fear it will start an argument.

I’ve been getting random prank calls from the same number. Probably some high teenager. I told her about it, and said if it didn’t stop, I might change my number. She started screaming at me (yes, screaming out of nowhere) about how dumb that was. Then she stopped, and said what’s the point? Her behavior is frightening. I don’t really talk to her, I stay in my room. When she feels like being friendly, she’ll pop out of her room and yell to me in my room some random comment. If I don’t respond within 2 seconds, she gets pissed. What if I’m engrossed in something? Tonight was the last straw. One time I was really scared of a spider in my room and was shrieking and she slapped me. Yes, slapped me. Like, not like snap out of it, but, like physically slapped me and told me to shut up. I wanted to fucking punch her but I had to control myself.

She knows I have no money and can’t find work and am living off my savings, but gets pissed if I don’t drive somewhere I have to pay gas for. Doesn’t even offer to help out with it. I’m unemployed and down to my last month of savings. I finally got an interview, I have to be up at 8 to catch the bus. I went to bed at 1 like a good little interviewee. At 2, she woke me up when she slammed her door shut. At 3, she did it again. At 4, she went to the kitchen (this is the tiniest apt. and you can hear everything), and started cooking! No joke, cooking, and banging pots. I finally gave up on falling asleep and am scared I will not be able to do the interview properly tomorrow because of not getting enough sleep. WTF does she care, I’ve had it and I’m giving my fucking one month’s notice bitch.

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I can get over the fact that you growl when people walk in front of our apartment (which they’re definitely entitled to doing). I can ignore that we see each other maybe an hour a day because you lock yourself in your room with your dog to talk to your Skype friends, making it very clear you don’t want me there. I can even get over the fact that you shower with your dog. But I can’t get over the sheer laziness that you possess.

You say you can’t get a job because of your very busy schedule. You go to class only three times a week, and only have to get up at noon in order to do so. And you complain about that! But you also aren’t in a great place financially and complain about buying groceries that are more than a dollar at the store. You wouldn’t even buy a pot at Goodwill for four dollars when you destroyed the other one. But clearly your massive school schedule prevents you from getting a job and doing something about your money situation. Even though I have a much more demanding school schedule and work two jobs.

You do dishes maybe once a week, and hardly ever take out the trash. You refuse to wash my dishes because you are afraid of cheese (?), a staple of my diet, even though you’ll eat pizza. You won’t even wash something that was touched by PASTA because you don’t eat it. Pasta doesn’t even leave traces of itself besides starch! I always clean up after your cooking, even when you make things I find gross, because I know if I don’t, we’ll get bugs. You seem to be oblivious to this fact, and if I don’t do the dishes, they’ll sit in the sink for days before you start complaining to me about them.

I just signed a lease for another year, but I’m thankful I’m going home for the summer. I’ll get to live with my mom again, who actually pulls her weight unlike some people.

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You waltz into MY room whenever you feel like it, to play MY PlayStation 3 that I bought with my money. It’s not so much that you want to play it, I understand that, but you simply go into my room as if it’s your room, like you have free roam of my house, the house I let you live in. If I’m working on something on my laptop in my room, you don’t even ask permission, you just come in, turn on the system and play. Maybe I’m doing something. Maybe I’m just surfing the web. It’s really starting to piss me off!

Tell me, am I overreacting? I don’t think so, my room, my rules yet he ignores it and gets butt hurt if i say no. Quite immature of him, at 26 you think he’d understand rules. Me being 27, maybe I expect too much.

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Ditto for ALL of the closets/bathroom in the house. You two literally took up every inch of space and left none at all for me or the other roommate. Why the fuck do you think that’s OK? None of us signed a lease, so I can skip out any time I want, but when I found a new place, I gave you guys 3 weeks notice AND offered to pay the next month’s rent, and whoever you found to move in would just pay the difference to me. I did this so that you would have a few more weeks to find someone you like. Instead, you made no effort at all to find someone, and when you did find someone, you told the person that I had already paid rent for the month and they could just move in the next month!!!!! In other words, I did you guys a favor by paying for an entire month that I am not living there, and to thank me you fucking tell your next roommate that it’s OK not to move in until the month is up?????? FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!! You are such thoughtless assholes. I know none of us were tight friends, but I can’t believe you’d do this.

Now that I’m ranting, I also want to thank you for sitting on your bloated fat asses when I moved in and out of the apartment. Over and over and over you saw me walk up and down stairs, in 95 degree heat, and not once did you offer to help me. I really hope the same exact thing happens to you once you move out. You two are a pair of thoughtless jerks, and the time has come for you two to split up since one of you is going to school. It’s going to be very very painful for both of you, and I hope it hurts so bad you go to sleep crying every night for the next year. Fuck both of you, you are thoughtless, selfish dickfaces.

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Dear Former Friend,

You have never once said thank you for everything we have done to help with your transition here. You have never thanked me for helping you buy and transport a bed and driving you all around town. You have never thanked us for letting you use everything in our house, and I mean everything, since you moved here with three suitcases of clothes and that’s it. You have made repeated backhanded negative comments about the house and our neighborhood. I’m sorry your bedroom doesn’t have a window, but in case you didn’t notice, I didn’t actually build this house bitch. But these things alone do not cause my intense hatred of you. It’s the rest of this shit:

*You are entirely focused on finding a husband/boyfriend. You have taken up hobbies like tennis and golf because these are sports you have decided boys like and your involvement in them is with the sole intent to find someone to like you. I am depressed for you.

*You are an obsessive stalker who creeps the facebook page of any boy who pays you attention. There is no degree of attention that is too little for you to engage in the stalking. After an hour of interaction with a boy you then wrote all over your notebook: Your first name followed by his last name. Really? After one tennis match? You’re fourth grade married now? We were terrified when we saw this.

*You were unable to open a bank account or set up a wireless account without asking your Mom and Dad how. There were several phone conversations spanning several days and yet you still seemed confused. Last time I checked your were 32. Even if you invert the numbers it still makes you legally retarded

*Picking your feet skin and popping your hairy chest zits on my couch. Clipping your toenails on my ottoman. FLOSSING YOUR TEETH WHILE SITTING ON THE COUCH. Having the nerve to get pissy when I tell you what every civilized person in the world already knows: not acceptable anywhere but your bedroom or your bathroom. Fucking foul.

*When you kept wanting my sister’s baby to be retarded even after the ultrasound proved he was healthy. Literally like you had tourettes about asking the question and wanting it to be true.

*Quick tutorial: When you run out of something, you buy more. There are no loopholes here you worthless bottom feeder. If you use the last of MY shit, you replace MY shit.

*You are so convinced that your hair looks way more super awesome after only washing it every third day that you completely disregard showering the rest of your body and not to mention THAT FUCKING STENCH THAT PERMEATES YOUR PERSONAL SPACE AND MINE TOO. By day 2 1/2 you smell like decaying flesh. You have now stunk up all of my throw pillows with your dirty head and the stank from your room creeps out from under the door and fogs the whole hallway. How in the hell do you sleep in that bedroom, Linus?!? Jesus Christ are your nostrils broken? I CAN TASTE YOUR FUNK IN MY THROAT.

*re: the Smell- So, wait. No one have ever liked you enough to tell you about your “scent”? You don’t even have one friend who cares about you enough to say, “Hey, take a shower, you smell?” It would be funny if it wasn’t haunting my house.

*re: the Smell pt. 2- Do you think the lack of a relationship between your body and water could be the reason why your skin is literally grey? Do people still get scurvy? Isn’t that yellow anyway? Seriously, for the amount of time you spend on the internet you would think you might have happened across WebMD or DiagnoseMe.

*Oh wait. You don’t wash your face.

*When you brought up how much you missed and would like to reconnect with my ex-boyfriend who was arrested for beating me up (while you were eating the dinner I was buying for you) on just the second day you were in town, I should have packed your four belongings and put them on the curb. When you continued, over the next two months, to make comments about how women in abusive relationships are somehow asking for it, I reminded myself that no one has ever loved you and that your romantic life consists of practicing mantras from the Secret.

*Haha. You’ve never had an orgasm. Hahaha. God hates you.

* “I’m REALLY good at sex.” -You, right after telling me you’ve never had an orgasm. WHY do you insist on making it so hard for me not to laugh in your face?

*Back to the smell: I’ve seen you do 2 HALF loads of laundry in the past month. And you wait until we are doing a load so you don’t have to use your detergent.

*Why exactly do you have tweezers in the shower? I think I know the answer and it starts with Ingrown and ends with Hairs. The middle word is Vagina. Every time I wash my hair I have to stare at those things. So help me God, if those tweezers ever even accidentally come in to contact with my skin I will throw you in front of a train.

*Does every story you tell have to involve some guy liking you or staring at you or calling you pretty? You even tell me when homeless guys call you hot. You being able to say this is usually the whole point of the story, too. Is this like when fat middle aged women chant over and over again: “I am good enough. I am worthy.” before going on their match.com dates? They’re not and you’re not. Pretty, that is.

*Also every topic you ever bring up with either of us is just a vehicle to make a passive aggressive comment or to subtly talk shit. Because you’re a fucking pussy who can’t ever say anything outright. There are just too many to list here but what follows is my personal favorite:
You: “Wow! You look skinny! Have you lost a bunch of weight? How much weight? How much do you weigh?”
Me: “Uh, I don’t know maybe a few pounds. I think I still weight about 120 pounds.”
You: “Gee! How much were you at your heaviest? 200 pounds? Hahah!”

See you managed to call me fat and skinny at the same time. For the record I have never weighed more than 135 pounds you manhanded cunt.

*When you bitched and moaned about your sunburn for a week, even suggesting with a completely straight face that you “had 3rd degree burns” and should probably be on “pain medication.” Oh piss off.

*No money to pay bills, but magically, always money to go out! Granted, paying bills may not get you any closer to finding a boyfriend, but not paying bills will certainly get you closer to my fist in your face.

*Your constant bitching about the thermostat setting. It is literally one hundred degrees outside and you’re all “ooo brrr shiver” curled up in a blanket because the air is set to 72. Then you walk around wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants in smug defiance like you’re a black panther at the Olympics holding up a fist during the national anthem. Way to stick it to the man.

*You tried to bring up every possible bad case scenario about my new job, a job I very much wanted and love. You trashed it because you make ten dollars an hour and you are full of hate.

*You are jealous of everything we have and everything we’ve done. You negate every experience that isn’t your own though you lived with your parents until you were 27.

*You threw a fit when I asked you to clean JUST ONE TIME and then you sobbed for an hour. I am not your mother and I am sick of cleaning up after your filthy ass.

*You even make backhanded comments about our parents who, while admittedly asshole-ish are not poor and miserable. Like your parents.

*You wear a retainer to bed.

*You pout when I turn the channel from the Golden Girls or Hallmark Channel because those are your faves.

*You had a 6 inch long mole removed from your back two weeks ago. You had the audacity to volunteer me to change your scabby wound dressing every day. As you have no friends it was either me or hiring someone from craigslist. Then you ask me to keep an eye out for pockets of pus like you want me to barf all over your back. Giving me the silent treatment when I tell you there is no way in hell I will help you by removing the stitches when the times comes will not change my mind. You are a disgusting bitch.

You move out in 8 days. I can’t wait to never talk to you again.

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I used to have a double to myself because my original roommate never moved in. Then sometime in the middle of October, this girl moves in saying her old roommates threatened to kill her. (They really didn’t. She annoyed one of her roommates so she snapped at her and told her she was going to smack her. Nothing ever happened).

So she moves in with me, which I was very unhappy about. This girl seriously NEVER slept. She would stay up until 4 or 5 AM almost everyday and that usually kept me up. When she did sleep, she needed a night light, a humidifier, and she snores. Those also kept me up a lot. I had to get a curtain to make my side of the room darker at night to help me sleep better and I got earplugs.

She doesn’t shower. She showers once a month because she says she has a heat allergy. I don’t know if she realized it or not but she smelled. Not terrible but bad enough that there was a foul odor in our room. She claimed that she can’t use cold water either so basically she just showered once a month. She says she takes medicine for this “heat allergy” but it’s too expensive and her parents don’t want to pay for it. What does she do in the summer then?! It gets to be about 100 degrees here in the summer.

During the winter, she set the thermostat to 68 degrees. It would be freezing in our room. She said anything above 70 degrees will make her have an allergic reaction. My other roommates and I basically froze all winter.

When I had a boyfriend, she said he couldn’t be over because “boys make her so uncomfortable that she can’t function.” Yet, she tried talking to him on Facebook and said how he was the only person who understood her and blahblahblah. Now she has a boyfriend who she sleeps with every night. Hypocrite much?

Some more hypocritical things about her… now that she has a boyfriend, she showers a lot more often. (I thought she said she couldn’t shower?) She said boys weren’t allowed here, but her boyfriend comes over. She said she was raised in a society where she wasn’t allowed to be exposed to men. She sleeps with her boyfriend already…

The past few mornings has gotten me so pissed that I snapped at her. She doesn’t carry her room key with her so she got locked out at 8 AM. Instead of being reasonable and getting a key from the front desk, she bangs on the door until I wake up. Then she bangs on our other roommate’s door. I open the door and she calls me the B word. I told her she was annoying and to stop waking me up every morning. Then I told her to shut up and went back to bed.

She is very loud in the morning. She has this obnoxious Lady Gaga alarm that scares me every morning when she isn’t sleeping with her boyfriend. Sometimes she snoozes her alarm so it continues going off every 10 minutes. When she finally gets up, she is running around the room and digging through plastic bags. Then she opens and closes doors the drawers all morning. Is it too much to ask for some peace and quiet in the morning?

She is also a bathroom hog. I share this bathroom with about 3 other people. Out of all of the other roommates, she spends the longest time in there at a time. I don’t know how she can spend 40 minutes in the bathroom. Many times we are knocking on the door asking her to hurry up and it still takes her forever to come out. When she finally comes out, she has water spilled everywhere and she doesn’t even wipe it up. She leaves toothpaste spit on the sink. Not in the sink. On the sink. Her nasty hair that she never washes is always around the sink and on the floor too. One time she was showering and she left all her hair in the shower. I asked her to clean it up and she tried to claim it wasn’t hers. My other roommate is blonde and I shower at night. Another time, she left her period blood on the toilet. I told her to clean it up and she didn’t do it for the longest time.

I have had to meet with the RD and my RA many times because of this girl. I don’t understand why she hasn’t moved out yet. I have put up with her for almost 2 semesters now. She also has me blocked on Facebook. I can’t wait until the school year is over and I no longer have to live with this psycho girl.

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Another thing I hate about you: You are the most disrespectful person on this earth. Treating me like dirt every day is not cool. Giving me attitude every time I ask you a question is not cool. Talking about me behind my back IS NOT COOL! FYI The ladies at church know about you. They know you put up a front pretending to be a good girl. No I did not tell them (well I might have called you a huge hypocrite a time or two but that’s it). They have watched you and told me they can see it. And when we had lunch with them, they noticed it. You aren’t as good at pretending as you thought. So before you move to CS I hope you know everyone here refers to you as “the whore of *insert our college’s name here*”

When you told me you never had any friends that were girls I always wondered why. Well now I know and I’m the fool for believing I could help you. If I was a more assertive person I would tell you all this in person, but then you would find some way to blame me and I would wind up in jail for attempted murder. So continue on with your destructive ways, just know there’s only one way to heaven and you a’int walking it. I never in my life hated anyone as much as you(except my stepmother) so rot in hell you harlot.

P.S Clean your dishes! Take out the trash when you see it’s full don’t leave it there for me to come home to everyday! One last thing: you’re not the only one who lives here, so STOP BLASTING YOUR MUSIC AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT! If you aren’t here turn it off, if you know I’m here, turn it down! You selfish bitch think of others once in a while!

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Hey J___,
I just wanted to say THANK YOU for making my life a living hell this year! Living with you has been the worst decision I’ve made in college thus far. You are the most blatantly disrespectful person I’ve ever had the misfortune to know. Let’s examine that claim, shall we?
Remember when you insisted that we have a “Zero boys” policy in our room? Did I miss something when I thought that meant NO FUCKING BOYS IN OUR ROOM??
Because….
I remember E____ spending the night without my permission. I remember C_____ spending the night without my permission. I remember your “friend” (boyfriend/boy toy/whatever the fuck?) R___ trying to climb out our window…Are your friends retarded? What kind of people are you associating with these days? (OH! Remember when you got a tattoo done in our room and the “artist” spilled ink all over our carpet? GENIOUS! Just brilliant!) And I remember when K____ was here all night and finally left when I said I had an exam in the morning and I turned the lights off on your sorry asses. Aw, what a shame that you guys had to stop your middle school PDA and he had to take his hand out of your pants.
Who the hell are you, anyway? I think a fucking psychopath abducted the J____ I used to like (once upon a time) and said hey, let’s get some tattoos, a nose piercing, and start screwing a bunch of Marines!
Now let’s talk about the countless hours you’ve spent on the phone and on Skype….when I was trying to sleep. Lately you seem to have adopted some really awesome habit of Skyping yet another dude every night from 11:30pm to…??? My favorite was probably when I turned the light off and you kept Skyping anyway! Un-fucking-believable!!
Do you have a fucking brain? Unlike you, I am a full time student and I’m taking 400 level classes. I have a lot of shit to do and your actions show nothing but blatant disregard for that fact. I’ve lived nearly the entire spring semester with my headphones in during the day and ear plugs at night in a vain attempt to escape your loud, obnoxious conversations. I literally think I lose a few brain cells every time you speak.
Have a fucking fantastic life somewhere far away from me. For your sake, I hope we never see each other again because I’ll make sure you regret it if we do.

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The very first night the bitch moved in she already had dishes piled in the sink and people over while I was trying to sleep making loud noises and laughing hysterically! Since then she has contacted animal control and made a false report saying that I don’t take care of my dog, makes loud noises all night (including singing opera horribly at 2am), leaving messes everywhere (for example, she shouldn’t have to take the trash out because she didn’t buy the trash bags…heres a hint…THE BITCH NEVER BUYS TRASH BAGS)

Also, she told me she didn’t smoke, but I keep smelling pot from her room. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she says she doesn’t smell anything, but she also has friends over all the time that act like they’re high. I’m moving in by myself in 2 months…but I don’t know how I’m going to make it…

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