This is an actual letter I left my roommate:
Hey J___,
I just wanted to say THANK YOU for making my life a living hell this year! Living with you has been the worst decision I’ve made in college thus far. You are the most blatantly disrespectful person I’ve ever had the misfortune to know. Let’s examine that claim, shall we?
Remember when you insisted that we have a “Zero boys” policy in our room? Did I miss something when I thought that meant NO FUCKING BOYS IN OUR ROOM??
Because….
I remember E____ spending the night without my permission. I remember C_____ spending the night without my permission. I remember your “friend” (boyfriend/boy toy/whatever the fuck?) R___ trying to climb out our window…Are your friends retarded? What kind of people are you associating with these days? (OH! Remember when you got a tattoo done in our room and the “artist” spilled ink all over our carpet? GENIOUS! Just brilliant!) And I remember when K____ was here all night and finally left when I said I had an exam in the morning and I turned the lights off on your sorry asses. Aw, what a shame that you guys had to stop your middle school PDA and he had to take his hand out of your pants.
Who the hell are you, anyway? I think a fucking psychopath abducted the J____ I used to like (once upon a time) and said hey, let’s get some tattoos, a nose piercing, and start screwing a bunch of Marines!
Now let’s talk about the countless hours you’ve spent on the phone and on Skype….when I was trying to sleep. Lately you seem to have adopted some really awesome habit of Skyping yet another dude every night from 11:30pm to…??? My favorite was probably when I turned the light off and you kept Skyping anyway! Un-fucking-believable!!
Do you have a fucking brain? Unlike you, I am a full time student and I’m taking 400 level classes. I have a lot of shit to do and your actions show nothing but blatant disregard for that fact. I’ve lived nearly the entire spring semester with my headphones in during the day and ear plugs at night in a vain attempt to escape your loud, obnoxious conversations. I literally think I lose a few brain cells every time you speak.
Have a fucking fantastic life somewhere far away from me. For your sake, I hope we never see each other again because I’ll make sure you regret it if we do.




I am lying and calculating? You better take a look in the mirror bitch! You are a piece of work. But you knew that already, huh?
