The name is derived from the fact that there are really only two humans living in this house, we’ll call them #1. Raul and #2. Jamal. The leftovers are therefore designated as #3;which could also be appropriately designated as some type of bodily excrement beyond #1 or #2.

You may be asking yourself, “Is this roommate really so bad that you can’t even have the decency to give him a proper alias i.e. Jim-Bob?” The answer, oh faithful roommate haters, is simply ‘yes’.

To enumerate upon the vast amount of qualifications that make #3 the foul-beast he is would require a medium much more severe than a blog, so I will keep the list to my personal three pet peeves.

• Toilet paper: He accidentally the whole thing, this is bad!

By this I mean to say that somehow, like Santa Claus, if you were to put a brand new DOUBLE SIZE roll of Charmin Ultra Strong (red bear) TP on the rung at night, it would be half-gone in the morning.  If my arithmetic, and charmin’s site which states that Red-bear users use 4-times less TP (http://www.charmin.com/en_US/index.php)  is correct, #3 is effectively using (.5rolls_used) x (2xregular_roll_size) x (4x absorbency_multiplier) = 4 ROLLS OF TP PER SITTING. Justy and I have speculated on theories as to how this might be humanly possible, seeing as this would surely clog any residential-john. The leading hypothesis currently is that he lines the whole floor with TP, paints a shit-mural, and then rolls in it. Alternatively, he may have a second ass-hole.

• Today’s special is: Fish stink a’ la mode with a trailer park remoulade.

The smell: Not only does #3 wear the most god-awful smelling cologne, use the most internet-weaboo-trailertrash body wash with “pheromones” for getting girls, and smoke upwards of a pack a day (after cancer at the age of 21), BUT his favorite meal just so happens to be Ramen with canned tuna and eel sauce mixed in. On rare occasions, the high-pressure fronts of these stenches all combine in some sort of super-cell to create the perfect Stench-Storm, equally as devastating to one’s olfactory senses as an earthquake to an impoverished country.

• Some people carry their booze… some people are #3.

Up until this point, some of you rock’n’rollers may be championing #3, saying: “Man, this guy just doesn’t give a FUCK, what a ballsy dude, eatin’ what he wants, shittin’ everywhere, I bet this guy would be awesome to party with!” That is why, for me, this 3^rd thing is the deal-breaker.

Sad as it is to watch this pathetic kid stay inside 6 days a week/weekend and play RPG video games (because he’s too socially awkward to make friends who want to hang out more than once), I cannot condone it, because along with these lonesome nights comes the drinking, as well as the majority of the Legend that is #3(great stories to come).  Just picture a sweaty man-child with the build of a shaved-bird and thick glasses pounding beers by his lonesome until he no longer knows which nest is his. In his disoriented state, #3 has wandered into both mine and Jamal’s rooms in search of the bathroom. In my close encounter of the 3^rd kind #3 promptly attempted to drop trou with the intention of urinating on my printer.  Jamal’s experience involved #3 entering the room and rummaging through Jamal’s dirty clothes. When questioned as to WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? #3 coolly replied “I’m looking for some sort of a drying device in here.”

As much as I look forward to moving away from what has become a constant source of discomfort, I feel that I would be doing the world a great injustice by withholding this epic tale: The Legend of # 3

- Ross

Basically I am an eighteen year old newbie who doesnt have much experience in the roommate occupation but I recently had the wonderful experience of having my first ever roommate from dirty ass hell. I mean really, you’re a fucking pig. This guy is gay as am I so i figured he’d be a bit of a neat guy if not a complete clean freak as most of my friends including myself are. To put it lightly, this guy is a slob. One week has passed and already his bed is riddled with dirty laundry, dishes go unclean for what makes bugs in the morning, and his daily haircuts really make their mark as there is proof in and out of the day that he has groomed from all over the toilet seat, sink mirror, and floor. He likes to experiemnt with of course the smelliest and most disgusting foods, as he is a dancer and parades around feeling that the smell of cheese is a welcome home treat. DISGUSTING. This guy can suck my junk if he thinks I’m his goddamn maid service. WTF? have some respect and pride in yourself dirt-bag. (literally)

- Danny

Well you know we would be back with another adventure into Seabass’s room. Recently he has managed to get a girlfriend….if you are asking how this is even possible with a room like his your guess is as good as mine. Apparently she likes sitting in a room all day that smells like a garbage can and has a mess everywhere! That’s all they do too, they come home and immediately go in his room. They eat in there, watch movies in there, do everything in there. I guess he found someone who likes to be completely anti-social like he is. One weekend when I was gone I noticed that my large folding table was missing. We usually use it for beer pong when we have parties etc. I open his door and there it is, apparently him and his girlfriend decided they wanted to play beer pong.

Once again they had to play beer pong in his room, they couldn’t use the huge living room where we normally play. I guess it’s fun to play in a cramped room that smells. I really don’t understand how people can be so anti-social like they are. Looking more into the room you can still see clothes everywhere. How can a female put up with this, let alone be in there all the time?

She gave him flowers a few weeks ago and he put them in this glass water pitcher I have. Yeah now there is fungus growing in there and there is stuff growing in the beer pong cups because they have not been thrown away or cleaned. Also you can see the table is now being used to put all his crap on. Who can live like this!?!?!?

- Bob

Well another month has gone by here at I Hate My Roommate…here are our favorite “Dear Roommate” submissions for May….

1. You threw up in ur bed cuz you were too drunk now ur sleeping in the living room. I’m making as much noise as possible.

2. fuck you for telling me that we didn’t have to give 30 day notice to move out & now I lost 1/3 months rent

3. ur playing guitar hero & u have a final at 5, ur a loser. & I’m in my room w/the door closed & headphones & can still hear u

Check out all of the submissions in our Dear Roommate section!

I hate living with my roomates its my brother and his fiance. they are sooooo nasty!!!! the kitchen is soo messy because they dont do their dishes for weeks!!! and they dont clean up anything!! they had a party one time and the mess stayes there for 4 months!!! i refuse to clean up after them and they know it and dont care. when they open their bedroom door a really nasty odor of b.o. nasty dog and burning candles wafts out of their room. not to mention that my roomate is a lazy self centered unworking uncleaning nasty disgusting a waste of human flesh wench!!! I do my dishes and i clean my messes only otherwise i would be cleaning ALL The time. i cleaned the kitchen one day and not even an hour later it was as if a tornado went through there. a FULL sink of new dirty dishes and thable was covered and the counteres and stove was soo covered with crap from pencles to cloting i couldnt see the counters!! and dont get me started on the dining and living room.

My roommate is the most annoying, self centered, oblivious person on Earth. He comes home and takes his shoes off in the kitchen (its a quad so there isn’t a living room) and leaves his shit all over our one tiny table that 4 people need to use. He cooks a lot of fish and stinks up our tiny ass apartment and NEVER cleans up EVER. One time I came home and he was peeling an onion onto the ground!!! And he NEVER picked up the skins.

ALSO he only shops at costco and fills our fridge with like 6 gallons of milk and 5 loaves of bread a week.

He’s so attention needy, anything I walk into the room he starts quietly talking to himself about what ever he’s working on. And this happens often since he is ALWAYS in the kitchen/living room, he’s paying 500 bucks to have a room and is NEVER IN IT. He watches stupid TV and ONLY listens to overly auto-tuned hip hop… and, get this, hip hop dances in our kitchen. I don’t know what posses someone to do anything he does. I hate him I hate him I hate him.

I am so glad to know Im not the only person that has a bad roommate. It feels really good to bitch about it like this.

I mean maybe its my fault for living with a boy (Im a girl) but my other two guy roommates are just fine! We get along great, and clean, and buy food in normal quantities!

The other day he didn’t know how to OPEN the dishwasher when it was locked… we’ve lived here for 8 months! AND HE’S NEVER UNLOADED IT. OMG I HATE HIM

I always have to clean up after him like Im his fucking mother, and he always plays the “oh you don’t need to swiffer the floors” card and when I say “IF I DIDN’T DO IT NO ONE WOULD” he has nothing to say, because it is true.

AND we used to share a bathroom, but I moved in with the other boys, and the bathroom that three people share is about 50 times cleaner than the one he uses on his own. I just don’t get him

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

I was having trouble with my roommate, so when a friend of mine told me that her roommate was leaving school, I jumped on the opportunity to move in with my friend… this ended up being quite the bad decision. My new roommate is probably the most disgusting female of all man kind. Somehow, she has managed to be the messiest person and only be in the room about 5% of her time here at school. So I get to stare at the mess… and smell the smells… She has a fish tank which she hasn’t cleaned in about 3 months. And with it getting hotter… the tank has gotten smellier and smellier. I also noticed yesterday that algae has begun to grow up the sides of the tank. I know have shoved dryer sheets in every hole leading to the exterior to try and stop the smell. She has shoved all of her personal belongings in any place except put away. And when I ask her to clean, she tells me, “I will when I have time.” Yet I know she hasn’t been to class in about three weeks. I now hate her more than anyone.

- Maggie

I hate my roommate! She’s a total drama queen and a complete dirty, nasty, lazy bitch! She never picks anything up, she complains about her boyfriend who she cheats on all the time, and she expects me to be her secretary, FUCK THAT! Also, her cooking and kitchen skills are atrocious. In fact, I’m done talking. Here’s a picture of this dirty bitch’s skills. Thanks for potentially losing our deposit!

So basically I forgot to turn off my mirror lights in the morning when I was in a rush for class… and so my roommate put a post-it on my mirror saying turn off the lights! Seriously.. I know it’s earth week… but I’m in a hurry and some times I forget..and NOT THAT OFTEN!

Also… I occasionally watch TV tonight I watched Survivor and put the volume at about 30.. and she kept on demanding I turn the volume down… she always has her Spanish Channel Colombian Novellas on and I don’t complain… just put your damn headphones on.. which she doesn’t do when she listens to her music… ever… even when I’m trying to work.

To top it off she speaks to me in a condescending tone…and basically the subtext usually being I eat like a pig… for instance a couple times a week I eat a chipwich and she always talks about how bad they are and how I basically eat to much… well I’m sorry but I burn 1,000 calories in the gym every day… I also am 10 inches taller… I need to eat to sustain my physical activity… and she complain about her one hour cardio class like it’s really hard… I spend 2 hrs in the gym per day…

She also plays sicky… she decided she needed to go to the HOSPITAL one time for a minor cold… I almost laughed… yet she got annoyed with me at the beginning of the year when I had pharyngitis (bronchitis in the pharynx)for 3 wks….

I’m sure you all remember the story of Seabass’s from a few weeks ago….if not you can check out the story here. Since that time Seabass has done some “upgrades” to his room. As always it is a complete mess. I’m not sure how he can find anything in that room, not to mention live in it. Every time you walk past the room it makes you want to gag. I swear there has to be some kind of fungus living in there! Anyway’s on to these upgrades….it seems instead of using our nice big living room to eat in he has decided to use 2 boxes in his room as tables to eat on. Check out the pictures below.

So apparently it is more comfortable to sit on the ground in his nasty smelling room then using the huge living room that DOES NOT smell at all. Also as you can see from the pictures there is a ton of old food laying out and of course pizza boxes. Not sure how anyone can live like this, but after seeing some of the other posts on this site I don’t think seabass is alone. I just don’t understand how someone can spend all day in the room with the smell! Anyway’s I’ll keep everyone updated on the bio-hazard that is Seabass’s room!

- Bob